Watch and Recall

It wasn't often that he watched the tapes,
Only when he needed to remember,
Only when he needed to assure himself that he was real,
That he could still feel.
It didn't matter that all it made him feel was pain,
He was used to pain.
Pain was familiar
And familiar was good.
He needed pain.
Without pain,
What would he have to assure him that he was still alive?
He needed to be sure of it
Because without it he was left to drown in his own mind
And a world made up of one's own thoughts is a horrifying one indeed.
So he watched the tapes.
He watched the death.
He watched the look in their eyes when they realized he wasn't going to save them.
He watched himself fail.
And it felt good.
It felt good because when there was nothing left to feel,
Just the slightest trace of emotion was euphoric,
It didn't matter what the emotion was,
As long as it was there
And this emotion was there
It was certainly there
It was there, eating him alive night and day
And he reveled in it.
He watched and he reveled.